Currently Listening Smile Empty Soul By Smile Empty Soul with this knife see related

I feel myself slipping back down...
Grasping for anything in my reach
But it all slides right through my finger tips
Things need to change before I fall
But I never know where to start
<3

What if there is no "real" me?? Different people bring out different sides of me... And its getting so mixed up, i never know what's real from what's not. I know who i want to be. But i can't seem to keep that image in my brain. i always change. I hang out with people, and later im dissapointed by how i acted, or reacted...And i tell myself that wasn't really "me". Than i realize, i'm not sure i even know what's real.

I realized last night. that i don't let anyone in. You may think i talk to you, and their are some i talk to more than others, but no one has seen all my confusion, all my heart...i guess. But besides that...i don't have anyone to talk to.

& I've come to see how, unreal other people are. One minute they are good friends with someone, and the next, they make a mistake, and everyone is talking shit behind their backs. contemplating revenge. over reacting ectetera...

It makes me wonder
What do they say about me, when I'm not around?
Cause if you talk about her like that, you must talk about me too.

It's just all so.  Eh. Confusing. I'm happy here and I'm not. so i've come to the realization that I'm never gonna be happy anywhere, and that I've got to make due with what i have around me, no matter how much it may make me unhappy.

If there was ever a day. I felt alone. Felt confused. Lost as to what to do next. Wanting to press pause..stop..or just rewind. To throw up whatever is left of my stomach, to jump off that bridge. Shave my hair, demolish this ugly face. 
That day/moment , is right now.

& on a lighter note. I'm really bad at the whole "guy/relationship" game. The  guy i've liked up here, doesn't like me any more. It's cool. I guess by the time someone as my mom says "that is good enough" comes around, my heart will be so cold and empty, that maybe I won't care. and If i don't care, he'll stay interested...
Maybe. But i don't have that kinda luck, huh??

Something has to change!!

Let's start over

ok so its been a wile. well i just thought i would let you

 know how things are going. I went to georgia for

christmas it was great. i miss rachell....Jason and i

 Broke up but thats OLD news! i  have been chilling...

i have to move to las Vagas next school year. thats

were my daddy is. so if any one wants to come vist

me feel free. I have an ok Vday. and i cant go home

 for mardi gras! so yeah thats whats been goin on

. look if you want to talk to me cuz i dont get on

 here very much anymore send me a myspace message.

www.myspace.com/kathleenbsu15

XOXO

Kathleen

i'm home.....i miss rachell.....i wanna go to mississippi....i want to see jason....i miss everyone...i dont feel good....later...kathleen

PS if you have myspace go to mine and request to make me your friend....

http://www.myspace.com/kathleenbsu15

yup he sure did!!

GEORGIA

HERE

I

COME!

I'M GONNA MISS ALL YALL!! SO COMMENT AND CALL ME!! O TAY??? WELL IM GONNA FINSH UP ALL MY CRAP!! XOXO

KATHLEEN

I love those fake little fights we
have when we're together. .
Because I know that if I walk
away, you’ll come after me.

^ Jason and I do that all the time!

Hun, don't be scared if a big fat guy in a red suit comes down your chimney
and stuffs you in brown bag.
I told Santa I want you. ;]

^^ Kinda I told Santa I wanted him to go to Georgia with me

Hello again,

             Well today was the last day before Christmas break!! Yay I’m so glad…. Tomorrow if I get lucky I’ll get to go see Jason and go shopping with ally… and then I also need to pack my bag!! I leave on Sunday at 5 am so yeah I’ll be up early. So just to let yall know cuz this might be my last entry till next year!! On the 27 Jason and I will be together for a month!!  I will be in Georgia but when I get back we will make up for that!! Today was a little bit of a rough day cuz I got home and I was watching TV and Kenny Chesney came on with “who you’d be today” and all I could think about was   *Christopher Jacob Boynton* it was really weird cuz…ok if you don’t know on June 4, 2004 Chris shot himself in the head and died…. I was his friend… I knew him for a wile like the 1^st time I met him I was like 7. And the song “who you’d be today” just made me think about him. And how I’ll never get to do all the stupid things we said we would do together. I don’t know they always say everything happens for a reason…. Well I guess Chris passing away had its reason right? I love this picture of him.

Yeah so… he was such a sweet guy he would do anything for you…ok but changing the subject before I cry more.

ANYWAY…

well i'm gonna go...i've got to do some stuff and get in bed!! MARRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Xoxo

Kathleen

EIDT

OH YES I TALKED TO SARA WALKER TODAY!! IT WAS GREAT THAT GIRL IS MY BEST FRIEND I LOVE HER MUCH!! XOXO BABY!!